>> THE TUMOR HAS SPREAD TO THE
SUPERCLAVICULAR LYMPH NODE.
>> GIVE ME A BALL PARK.
>> 6 MONTHS.
>> MY BEST FRIEND JUST TOLD ME
THAT HE´S...
>> DYING? I ACTUALLY HAVE TO SAY
THE WORD.
>> IT FEELS LIKE I´M LOSING
EVERYTHING.
>> I WANT YOU TO COME HOME WITH
ME, LIZZIE.
I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME.
>> I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND
AND WIFE.
>> OUR LAB TECH SWITCHED YOUR
I.D. NUMBERS. YOUR CANCER IS IN
REMISSION. I WISH YOU AND YOUR
BRIDE A LONG, HAPPY LIFE
TOGETHER.
>> ♫ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL
MAKE ME
A PERFECT SOUL
A PERFECT MIND
A PERFECT FACE
A PERFECT
LIFE ♫
>> IN 1987, AFTER THE INFAMOUS
BLACK MONDAY CRASH, A NEW
FINANCIAL GOLDEN AGE WAS BORN,
AND ALONG WITH IT, A NEW
INDUSTRY, THE LUXURY INDUSTRY.
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]
NEWFOUND WEALTH COUPLED WITH
EASILY AVAILABLE CREDIT OPENED
THE DOOR TO VANITIES AND
EXCESSES ONCE RESERVED FOR THE
RICH AND FAMOUS. SINCE THAT
TIME, THE ONE LUXURY BUSINESS
THAT HAS ALWAYS SEEN ANNUAL
GROWTH HAS BEEN PLASTIC SURGERY.
DOCTORS SEAN McNAMARA AND
CHRISTIAN TROY RODE THIS WAVE OF
FINANCIAL PROFICIENCY. THEY
SUCKLED UNABASHED FROM THE TEAT
OF A FLUSH SOCIETY WILLING TO
SPEND MILLIONS ON THE NEW
MUST-HAVE STATUS
SYMBOLS--INCOMPLIANT THIGHS AND
TITANIC TITS.
>> WHEN YOU´RE DONE WITH HER
LIPO, YOU CAN START ON HER RIGHT
BREAST.
>> DO YOU REALIZE WE´RE GONNA
CLEAR A QUARTER OF A MILLION
BUCKS ON THIS PATIENT ALONE? HA
HA HA!
>> BUT AS IN EVERY FAIRY TALE,
THERE WAS A COSTLY LESSON TO BE
LEARNED. THE CREDIT CRUNCH HIT.
SEAN AND CHRISTIAN WERE NOT
IMMUNE TO THE DOWNTURN.
>> BEAUTY IS SYMMETRY, MRS.
PRALINE. WE´RE HAPPY TO DO YOUR
TUMMY TUCK, BUT YOU´RE NOT GONNA
BE BIKINI READY UNTIL YOU LET US
AUGMENT YOUR BREASTS.
>> WE PREFER TO DO MORE THAN ONE
SURGERY AT A TIME. THAT WAY YOU
ONLY GO UNDER ANESTHESIA ONCE,
AND YOUR RECOVERY TIME IS
CONSIDERABLY FASTER.
>> I TOLD YOU, I´VE ONLY GOT
ENOUGH LEFT IN MY HOME EQUITY
LINE OF CREDIT TO GET A TUMMY
TUCK.
>> AHEM.
>> FOR SEAN McNAMARA, A MAN
WOUND TIGHTER THAN A
HUMMINGBIRD´S ASSHOLE, THE
FINANCIAL STRESS WAS
OVERWHELMING.
HE BEGAN FIGHTING INCESSANTLY
WITH HIS EX-WIFE JULIA, WHO NOW
RESIDED IN NEW YORK WITH THEIR
TWO CHILDREN.
>> FRENCH LESSONS AND KARATE?
JULIA, YOU´RE OVERSCHEDULING
THEM. WELL, THEN YOU´RE GONNA
HAVE TO START PAYING FOR IT.
>> SEAN´S TROUBLES WERE FURTHER
EXACERBATED BY HIS NEW
GIRLFRIEND, TEDDY ROWE, WHO
SEEMED IMMUNE TO THE FINANCIAL
ANXIETY GRIPPING THE NATION.
>> CAN YOU IMAGINE?
>> SHE HAD GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO
HER BEAU´S LARGESSE AND WASN´T
GOING TO RESORT TO TRUMPERY
WHEN IT CAME TO CELEBRATING
THEIR 6-MONTH ANNIVERSARY.
>> I LOVE THEM.
>> AND HOW MUCH ARE THESE?
>> 125,000.
>> SEAN´S ANXIETY ATE AT HIM
LIKE VULTURES ON FRESH CARRION.
HE DEVELOPED A SEEMINGLY
INCURABLE CASE OF INSOMNIA.
[BUZZING]
FREED FROM HIS DEATH SENTENCE,
CHRISTIAN CELEBRATED BY
PROVIDING THE MERCHANTS OF RODEO
DRIVE WITH HIS OWN ECONOMIC
STIMULUS PACKAGE.
>> CONGRATS, DOCTOR. SHE´S A
BEAUTY.
>> REMEMBER, JACK, SPENDING IS
OPTIMISM.
[LAUGHTER]
>> SEAN AND CHRISTIAN WEREN´T
THE ONLY ONES STRUGGLING. JUST
HOME FROM THEIR HONEYMOON,
CHRISTIAN REVEALED TO DR. LIZ
CRUZ THAT HE WASN´T DYING OF
BREAST CANCER AND NO LONGER
WISHED TO REMAIN MARRIED.
>> I TOOK CARE OF YOUR FIRST AND
LAST AT YOUR NEW APARTMENT. THE
SECURITY DEPOSIT, TOO.
IF YOU WANT, WE CAN GO FURNITURE
SHOPPING ON THE WEEKEND.
>> JUST LET ME DO THIS ALONE,
OK?
>> COME ON, LIZ. WE´RE STILL
FRIENDS.
>> WE´RE NOT FRIENDS. I´M YOUR
WIFE.
WHY DIDN´T YOU TELL ME YOU
WEREN´T DYING WHEN WE WERE AWAY?
WHY DID YOU GO LET ME MAKE A
FOOL OF MYSELF?
>> I JUST WANTED YOU TO HAVE A
GOOD TIME. I´M JUST TRYING TO BE
PRACTICAL. WE´D BE A PERFECT
MATCH FOR 6 MONTHS, BUT 60
YEARS? I MEAN, I´D BE CHEATING
ON YOU WITHIN A WEEK.
I JUST DON´T WANT TO HURT YOU
ANY MORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE.
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
THANK YOU FOR BREAKING MY HEART?
>> NO. I JUST WANT YOU TO
UNDERSTAND THAT THIS ISN´T EASY
FOR ME, EITHER. I LOVE YOU, AND
I´LL NEVER FORGET HOW YOU TOOK
CARE OF ME.
>> AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME,
HUH?
[DOOR SLAMS]
>> FORMER PORN MILLIONAIRE
KIMBER HENRY FOUND HERSELF
TOSSED OUT OF RAM PETER´S
SILK-SHEETED BED WITH NOTHING
BUT THE REALIZATION THAT THERE´S
NOTHING LESS MARKETABLE THAN AN
OLD WHORE. ONCE AGAIN, SHE TRIED
TO REINVENT HERSELF.
>> SO YOU DO ELECTROLYSIS NOW?
>> WELL, I WENT TO NIGHT SCHOOL
TO GET CERTIFIED.
WELL, HEAR ME OUT. JUST SAY SOME
LADY SASQUATCH COMES IN FOR SOME
LIPO, OK? YOU SMOOTH HER OUT,
YOU MAKE HER THIGHS LIKE
PORCELAIN, BUT...
SHE´S GOT SOME HAIRS BACK THERE,
AND THAT´S NO GOOD. THAT´S WHERE
I COME IN.
[BUZZING]
OK. LOOK AT THIS. IT DOESN´T
EVEN HURT. AND I FIGURE THIS IS
A GREAT WAY FOR YOU TO PROMOTE
YOUR BUSINESS. YOU´RE GONNA HAVE
AN ON-SITE ESTHETICIAN, AND I
KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO BE
CAMERA-READY.
>> KIMBER, IT´S A GREAT IDEA,
BUT BUSINESS IS TOO SLOW RIGHT
NOW TO TAKE ON ANY NEW EXPENSES.
WE CAN´T AFFORD YOU.
>> THIS WAS ROCK BOTTOM.
McNAMARA/TROY, ONCE THE
TIFFANY´S OF THE PLASTIC SURGERY
WORLD, WAS NOW LIKE A MALODOROUS
WHALE CARCASS WASHED UP ON ZUMA
BEACH. THE CLIENTS WERE GONE.
WITH THEM WENT THE MONEY, AND
WITH THAT WENT THE JOY.
>> [SIGH] AHEM.
WHAT IS THIS?
>> IT´S GENERIC. WE NEED TO CUT
BACK EVERYWHERE.
>> THAT´S BULLSHIT.
>> CHRISTIAN, YOU´RE NOT GETTING
IT. WE ARE IN TROUBLE.
>> I WANT MY GODDAMN YOPLAIT!
>> I JUST FINISHED PAYING
OFF LAST SEMESTER´S TUITION, FOR
WHICH YOU RECEIVED NO CREDITS
BECAUSE YOU NEVER TOOK YOUR
FINALS, OK? I HAVE HERE YOUR CAR
REGISTRATION RENEWAL. YOU HAVE
9 UNPAID PARKING TICKETS, AND
THE CREDIT CARD I GAVE YOU FOR
EMERGENCIES HAS SEVERAL LUXURY
CHARGES ON IT.
>> WELL, I CAN EXPLAIN THOSE
CHARGES.
>> MATT, LISTEN TO ME. YOU NEED
TO PAY BACK SOME OF THOSE DEBTS.
IT´S RIDICULOUS. YOU GOT $450
FOR SOME MEN´S STORE CALLED
EMMANUEL DELACROIX.
>> IT´S NOT A MEN´S STORE.
EMMANUEL DELACROIX IS THE
NUMBER-ONE MIME IN THE WORLD,
AND HE´S HERE DOING A
ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME MASTER CLASS.
>> WHAT?
>> YEAH. MY ACTING TEACHER
TURNED ME ON TO HIM. LOOK, YOU
KNOW HOW THEY SAY WHEN YOU FIND
YOUR BLISS IS WHEN THE MONEY
STARTS ROLLING IN? I THINK I´VE
FOUND IT. MIME IS SO AMAZING,
MAN. IT TAKES US BEYOND OUR
PETTY EGOS, BEYOND LANGUAGE, AND
UNIFIES US.
IT´S A GREAT ART FORM, OK? THE
PURE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF
GESTURE.
>> IS THIS A JOKE?
>> LISTEN, BOXCAR WILLIE. WE CAN
RENT YOUR ROOM, OK? SO YOU
EITHER KICK IN, OR YOU´RE OUT BY
THE 1st, OK? SO GET OFF YOUR
UNICYCLE OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT
IS THAT MIMES DRIVE THESE DAYS
AND GET A GODDAMN REAL JOB.
>> YOU KNOW, IT´S A WASTE OF
TIME TRYING TO SHARE ANYTHING
WITH YOU TWO.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[TELEPHONE BUZZES]
>> HELLO.
MM-HMM.
REALLY?
MM-HMM.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> WHAT WAS THAT?
>> THAT´S LIZ´S ATTORNEY. SHE´S
SUING ME FOR DIVORCE.
[WAVES CRASHING]
>> I JUST NEVER EXPECTED THIS
FROM HER. SHE´S NOT GREEDY, YOU
KNOW? POSSESSIVE, MAYBE.
STUBBORN, SLOPPY.
>> CHRISTIAN, REMEMBER, THE
TRICK IS NOT TO GET EMOTIONAL.
IT´S OUR JOB TO MAKE A RATIONAL
APPEAL TO HER BETTER NATURE,
AND--HOLY SHIT!
>> HOLY SHIT WHAT?
>> SHE HIRED ROGER PAYNE. WITH A
"Y," BUT THE MEANING IS THE
SAME.
>> HOW BAD COULD IT BE? THE
GUY´S BLIND.
>> SO IS JUSTICE.
>> LOOK, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I
MEAN, COME ON, LIZ. WE CAN LET
THE LAWYERS ARGUE ABOUT THIS,
OR WE CAN SETTLE THIS AS
FRIENDS. WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU. I--I
THINK THAT YOU SHOULD BE
COMPENSATED FOR EVERYTHING THAT
I PUT YOU THROUGH.
HERE. I HOPE THIS IS ENOUGH.
>> [WHISPERING]
>> HMM. $250,000. SHOULD COVER
YOUR LEGAL FEES, MRS. TROY.
>> MRS. TROY? WE WERE MARRIED 5
MINUTES.
>> YES, WELL, IN THE COURSE OF
THOSE 5 MINUTES, MRS. TROY GAVE
UP HER RESIDENCE AND HALF OF HER
INCOME.
>> I THOUGHT I WAS DYING.
>> IS THAT WHY YOU PUT
EVERYTHING IN HER NAME?
>> YOU WHAT?
>> I WAS TAKING CARE OF WILBUR,
YOU KNOW? I WAS TRYING TO BE
RESPONSIBLE.
>> WELL, I´M SURE YOU WANT TO
CONTINUE TO BE RESPONSIBLE BY
SETTLING WITH MRS. TROY 50% OF
ALL PERSONAL PROPERTY AND HALF
OF YOUR INTEREST IN
McNAMARA/TROY.
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
SMOKING? SHE CAN´T DO THAT. CAN
SHE DO THAT?
>> IS IT IN HER NAME?
>> OH. I GET IT. THIS
ISN´T A NEGOTIATION; THIS IS A
GANG RAPE.
>> WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA.
>> JESUS, LIZ, I CAN´T BELIEVE
YOU´D STOOP THIS LOW. YOU´RE
FIRED.
>> AH. AFRAID NOT, DR. TROY. YOU
CAN´T FIRE HER UNTIL THE CASE IS
SETTLED. IT´S THE LAW.
>> COME ON, LIZZIE. SAY
SOMETHING.
>> YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A
PRENUP.
>> IT´S CHEAPER NOT TO FIGHT. I
JUST THINK YOU´RE IN DENIAL IF
YOU ASSUME IT´S NOT GONNA COST
YOU.
>> THERE´S NOTHING WRONG WITH
BEING IN DENIAL, MY FRIEND. OUR
WHOLE CAREERS WERE BUILT ON IT.
AND LET´S JUST FORGET ABOUT
THAT CRAP, OK? WE JUST GOT TO
RELAX, DRINK SOME BEER, AND
ENJOY THE WATER FOR THE DAY, ALL
RIGHT?
>> UH, WHAT´S ALL THIS?
>> WHAT?
THEY SEIZED MY BOAT.
>> YOU´RE KIDDING. WHAT FOR?
>> YOU KNOW, I MISSED A FEW
PAYMENTS HERE AND THERE, BUT--
JESUS. THEY´RE SAYING THEY´LL
AUCTION IT OFF IF I DON´T PAY
THE BALANCE BY THE END OF THE
MONTH. I MEAN--
>> YOU BETTER SELL IT.
>> I CAN´T SELL IT. THIS IS THE
ONLY THING THAT ISN´T IN LIZ´S
NAME. I MEAN, JESUS! I MIGHT
HAVE TO LIVE HERE IF SHE GETS
THE HOUSE.
I´LL JUST TAKE SOME MONEY OUT OF
THE BUSINESS, YOU KNOW? JUST TO
COVER ME FOR NOW.
>> IF YOU BORROW MORE, YOU LOSE
YOUR CREDIT RATING, AND THEN
YOU´RE REALLY WORTH NOTHING.
>> THEN I´LL GET SOME MONEY FROM
YOU, ALL RIGHT? JUST FRONT ME 6
MONTHS FOR THE RENT ON THE
MALIBU HOUSE.
>> UH, YOU KNOW, NOW MIGHT BE A
GOOD TIME TO GIVE YOU NOTICE.
I´M MOVING OUT. THINGS HAVE BEEN
GOOD WITH TEDDY, AND WE´RE
TALKING ABOUT GETTING A PLACE.
>> WHAT?
>> CHRISTIAN?
>> DR. MIKE HAMOUI WAS THE MIAMI
PLASTIC SURGEON THAT CHRISTIAN
HAD NOT SEEN SINCE THEIR
HOMOEROTIC SHOWER ENCOUNTER TWO
YEARS AGO.
>> HEY, I HEARD YOU GUYS WERE
OUT HERE NOW, TOO!
>> MIKE, REMEMBER MY PARTNER
SEAN McNAMARA?
>> YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE I
REMEMBER.
YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST GOING TO
TAKE THE "REVERIE" OUT FOR A
SPIN. YOU GUYS WANT TO JOIN ME?
>> [CHUCKLES]
>> ♫ THIS IS WHY I´M HOT
THIS IS WHY I´M HOT
THIS IS WHY, THIS IS WHY
THIS IS WHY I´M HOT
I´M HOT ´CAUSE I´M FLY
YOU AIN´T ´CAUSE YOU NOT
THIS IS WHY, THIS IS WHY
THIS IS WHY I´M HOT
I´M HOT ´CAUSE I´M FLY
YOU AIN´T ´CAUSE YOU NOT
THIS IS WHY, THIS IS WHY
THIS IS WHY I´M HOT
THIS IS WHY I´M HOT ♫
>> HEY, NICE BOAT.
>> THANKS.
YOU GUYS WANT TO GET SOME GRUB?
>> YEAH, SURE.
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH, I CAN GO ABOUT 2,000
MILES WITHOUT HAVING TO STOP IN
THIS BAD BOY RIGHT HERE. MOST
BOATS, YOU KNOW, GO AS FAR AS,
LIKE, CABO. WE WENT TO ACAPULCO
LAST YEAR WITH THE GIRLS. IT WAS
A GREAT TRIP.
>> HOW MANY FEET IS IT?
>> ABOUT 102.
>> YEAH, I WAS THINKING ABOUT
GETTING ONE THIS BIG, BUT, UH,
THEY´RE A BITCH TO PARK.
>> TRUE, THAT. GIVES THE GIRLS,
THOUGH, PLENTY OF ROOM TO SPREAD
OUT. SIENNA, HONEY, YOU´RE
FRYING YOURSELF AGAIN. GO PUT ON
THE SUNSCREEN THAT I GAVE YOU,
HUH? THANK YOU.
>> SO, MIKE, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN
PRACTICE OUT HERE NOW?
>> YEAH! AFTER I SOLD
CHRISTIAN´S CONDO AND MADE A
HUGE PROFIT, I DECIDED TO TRAVEL
AROUND, BECOME A POD SURGEON. I
WORK FOR MYSELF NOW, DO
SURGERIES. JUST DON´T KEEP AN
OFFICE. MAN, DO I LOVE L.A.
>> I DON´T GET IT. A POD
SURGEON?
>> YEAH. I FIND A PRACTICE AND I
PAY 10% OF MY PROFITS TO USE
THEIR SURGERY SUITES. THERE´S NO
STRINGS ATTACHED, I HAVE NO
OVERHEAD. IT´S A WIN/WIN FOR
EVERYONE. THANK YOU, HONEY.
>> ONLY SECONDS PASSED BEFORE
SEAN AND CHRISTIAN PROPOSED A
SIMILAR DEAL TO MIKE. BRINGING
HIM INTO THEIR BUSINESS AS A POD
SURGEON WOULD HELP ENSURE BOTH
THEIR FINANCIAL FUTURES.
>> I THINK IT´S REALLY...
>> MIKE WAS HAPPY TO ACCEPT.
>> ♫ THIS IS WHY I´M HOT
THIS IS WHY I´M HOT
THIS IS WHY, THIS IS WHY
THIS IS WHY I´M HOT ♫
>> I KNOW. EVERY YEAR THERE´S A
NEW HIGH-TECH TREND IN EXERCISE,
BUT NOTHING CAN COMPARE TO THE
KETTLE BELLS. THEY ORIGINATED IN
RUSSIA IN 1704. OBVIOUSLY THE
KETTLE BELLS ARE NOT A TREND.
THE BEAUTY OF THE KETTLE BELL IS
THAT IT´S A COMBINATION OF
STRENGTH AND CARDIAC...
>> ♫ IF YOU´RE BLUE
AND YOU DON´T KNOW
WHERE TO GO TO
WHY DON´T YOU GO
WHERE FASHION SITS?
PUTTIN´ ON THE RITZ
>> UM, WE´RE SHORT A SMALL REEF
RETRACTOR.
>> I GAVE MINE BACK TO LINDA.
WHERE´S YOURS?
>> I GAVE IT TO LINDA.
>> ♫ COME LET´S MIX
WHERE ROCKEFELLERS WALK WITH
STICKS OR
UMBRELLAS IN THEIR MITTS... ♫
>> YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE
HELL THIS IS?
>> A, UH, SMALL REEF RETRACTOR.
>> OH, NICE, SEAN.
>> OH, GOD. I´M SORRY. I HAVEN´T
BEEN SLEEPING WELL.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I´M UNDER A
LOT OF STRESS, TOO, RIGHT? BUT
YOU DON´T SEE ME OPENING US UP
TO A MALPRACTICE SUIT THAT COULD
BURY US.
>> HEY.
WHAT´S GOING ON WITH YOU? DON´T
SAY NOTHING. METICULOUS SEAN
McNAMARA DOES NOT SCREW UP A
TUMMY TUCK.
>> I HAVEN´T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP.
I´M THINKING ABOUT MY KIDS A
LOT. IT´S CONOR´S BIRTHDAY. HE´S
THERE, I´M HERE, AND IT SUCKS,
BUT I DON´T WANT TO BURDEN YOU
WITH ALL THIS.
>> HEY, NOTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE
IS A BURDEN TO ME, ALL RIGHT? I
LOVE YOU. OH...
YOUR SLEEPING PILLS. I´M
SURPRISED YOU HAVE NOT WRITTEN A
SCRIP FOR YOURSELF.
>> I DON´T WANT TO DO THAT.
PILLS SCARE ME. I DON´T EVEN
TAKE ADVIL, ESPECIALLY AFTER I
WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL A FEW
YEARS AGO. ECSTASY. YEAH. I KNEW
YOU´D LIKE THAT.
>> YOU KNOW, THERE´S A BEAUTIFUL
RESORT. IT´S BEEN RENOVATED.
IT´S UP IN OJAI. WE COULD GO
AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND. IT´S ONLY
AN HOUR AWAY.
>> WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GIRL WHO
DIDN´T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ALL
THESE CONVENTIONAL BOURGEOIS
TRAPPINGS, HUH? NOW IT´S ALL
ABOUT WEEKENDS AWAY, HIS AND HER
MASSAGES.
>> HEY, I´M JUST TRYING TO FIND
A WAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
IF YOU´RE NOT INTERESTED IN
THAT, JUST FORGET I SAID
ANYTHING.
>> ANYTHING. I´LL TAKE ANYTHING.
I JUST HAVE TO GET IN THIS WEEK.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
>> I´M SORRY, BUT DR. HAMOUI IS
BOOKED SOLID FOR THE NEXT TWO
WEEKS. HIS NEXT AVAILABLE
APPOINTMENT IS ON THE 15th.
>> MIKE, WHERE´S THE COUCH?
>> DON´T WORRY, FELLAS. IT´S ALL
SAFELY IN STORAGE, AND THIS
STUFF WON´T COST YOU A PENNY.
FEEL FREE TO USE IT AS MUCH AS
YOU LIKE. I FIGURED YOU WOULDN´T
GRAB THAT DOUGHNUT WITH THESE
MACHINES STARING AT YOU.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT? WE DON´T NEED
ANYBODY TELLING US HOW TO TAKE
CARE OF OURSELVES. THAT´S NOT
WHY WE BROUGHT YOU IN HERE.
>> I´M SORRY. I´LL HAVE THE
EQUIPMENT GONE BY THE END OF THE
DAY.
>> NO, THE EQUIPMENT CAN STAY,
MIKE. WHAT WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IS THE 20 PATIENTS OUT IN THE
LOBBY.
>> THAT WAS FAST, RIGHT?
>> WHAT DID YOU DO?
>> IT´S ALL ABOUT CREATING A
NICHE MARKET AND THEN SELLING
YOURSELF. BUSINESS 101, FELLAS.
>> DO YOU MIND IF WE SIT IN ON
ONE OF YOUR CONSULTS?
>> YEAH.
>> WILL THEY BE ASSISTING IN THE
SURGERY?
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT. THEY´RE
EXCELLENT SURGEONS, BUT I´M THE
ONLY DOCTOR WHO LAYS A HAND ON
ANY OF MY PATIENTS. THEY´RE JUST
HERE TO CONSULT.
>> GOOD. MY FRIEND LINDSEY
THOMPSON--SHE SAID YOU´RE THE
BEST. SHE SAID HER VAGINAL
REJUVENATION SAVED HER MARRIAGE.
>> I REMEMBER LINDSEY. HOW MANY
KIDS DO YOU HAVE?
>> 3, ALL BOYS. MY YOUNGEST,
DEREK--HE WAS A VERY HARD BIRTH.
I NEEDED TWO EPISIOTOMIES, AND,
WELL, THINGS HAVEN´T BEEN THE
SAME DOWN THERE SINCE.
>> THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF WOMEN
JUST LIKE YOU OUT THERE. IT´S
EXACTLY WHY I´VE STREAMLINED MY
PRACTICE. ONE PROCEDURE DONE
RIGHT--VAGINAL RECONSTRUCTION.
>> IT´S BRILLIANT. DO YOU
REALIZE, MOST VAGINAL
RECONSTRUCTIONS TAKE LESS THAN
20 MINUTES TO PERFORM?
>> AND THEY COST 15 GRAND A POP.
NO WONDER HE´S RAKING IT IN.
>> WE CAN DO THIS, CHRISTIAN.
WE´RE BETTER SURGEONS THAN HE
IS.
>> HOW OFTEN DO YOU AND YOUR
HUSBAND HAVE SEX, MRS. BRETT?
I UNDERSTAND, BUT YOU DON´T HAVE
TO BE ASHAMED.
I KNOW THIS IS UNORTHODOX, BUT I
WANT YOU TO FEEL COMFORTABLE
WITH ME. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE,
AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU.
>> LINDSEY SAID YOU MIGHT DO
THIS.
>> HE´S SELLING SEX. WE CAN DO
THAT.
>> DAMN STRAIGHT. I WAS IN
"PLAYGIRL."
>> OH, IT ALL SOUNDS SO GOOD,
BUT OUR INSURANCE WON´T COVER
THE PROCEDURE.
>> YOU THINK YOU DON´T DESERVE
THIS. I´M SORRY, BUT I GOT TO
CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT ONE.
YOU JUST NEED TO FIND A WAY TO
RECLAIM YOUR SEXUALITY.
IS THERE A BETTER WAY THAN TO
MAKE THE TOOL WITH WHICH YOU
EXPRESS THAT SEXUALITY LOOK AND
FEEL THE WAY IT DID WHEN YOU
WERE IN YOUR 20s? I WANT YOU TO
KNOW, THIS ISN´T JUST ANOTHER
SURGERY TO ME, AND I´M NOT SOME
HIGH-SCHOOL KID WHO THINKS THAT
EVERY VAGINA IS THE SAME.
YOURS IS DIFFERENT.
IT´S...SPECIAL, AND I´M GONNA
GET TO KNOW IT INSIDE AND OUT.
>> WHEN´S YOU NEXT APPOINTMENT?
>> WE CAN´T JUST START STEALING
HAMOUI´S CLIENTS. WE NEED HIS
10% TO KEEP THE ELECTRICITY ON.
>> SO, WE´LL COME TO HIM WITH A
PLAN, INCLUDE HIM IN ON IT.
WELL, WE´RE THE EXPERTS. HE´LL
LOOK LIKE A NOVICE NEXT TO US.
I´M TELLING YOU, THERE ARE
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF WOMEN
WHO NEED THIS.
>> THAT´S A LOT OF UNTAPPED
VAGINA. HOW YOU PLANNING ON
REACHING THEM, CRAZY SEAN´S
CROSS-COUNTRY GYNO TOUR?
>> NO. BETTER. WE NEED TO CALL
KIMBER FIRST.
CHRISTIAN, WAKE UP. HEY, HEY,
WAKE UP.
>> JESUS, IT´S 2:00 IN THE
MORNING. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN´T
SLEEP, DOESN´T MEAN I SHOULDN´T.
>> IT´S ON RIGHT NOW. COME ON.
GET UP.
>> LOS ANGELES--LAND OF THE
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, WHERE DREAMS
ALWAYS COME TRUE AND FANTASY IS
REALITY, WHERE YOU´RE AS YOUNG
AS YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS
INSIDE OF YOU.
>> AGH!
>> HA HA! YES! WHOO! HI.
I´M DR. McNAMARA OF
McNAMARA/TROY PLASTIC SURGERY.
THESE DAYS, THERE ARE SO MANY
OPTIONS FOR MALE SEXUAL
GRATIFICATION, BUT FEWER CHOICES
FOR OUR FAIRER SEX. I´D LIKE TO
TELL YOU ABOUT A NEW TECHNIQUE
WE´VE DEVELOPED CALLED THE
VAGINAL UPLIFT.
[SMACK]
>> HEH HEH HEH! ACCORDING TO
MASTERS AND JOHNSON, SEXUAL
SATISFACTION IS DUE TO THE
AMOUNT OF FRICTIONAL FORCES
GENERATED DURING INTERCOURSE.
>> MWAH, SWEETIE. THIS SIMPLE
OUTPATIENT PROCEDURE RESTORES
THE ARCHITECTURAL INTEGRITY OF
THE VAGINA.
>> IT TAKES UNDER AN HOUR, AND
IN JUST DAYS, BOTH YOU AND YOUR
PARTNER WILL BE ENJOYING A WHOLE
NEW LEVEL OF SEXUAL
SATISFACTION.
>> HI. I´M KIMBER HENRY,
ACTRESS. SOME OF YOU MAY
REMEMBER ME FROM MY WORK AS AN
ADULT FILM STAR. AFTER I
RETIRED, I GAVE BIRTH TO MY BABY
GIRL. I WAS HAVING TROUBLE
REACHING ORGASM. THAT´S WHEN I
DECIDED TO GO SEE THE DOCTORS AT
McNAMARA/TROY.
>> TELL US WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE
ABOUT YOUR VAGINA.
>> THEY WERE RESPECTFUL,
RELAXED, AND INFORMATIVE.
THEY ASKED ME TO TELL THEM
EXACTLY WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR
AND HOW I WANTED TO LOOK AND
FEEL. MM, AND THE EXAM WAS
GENTLE AND DISCREET.
>> IF YOU CALL AND BOOK YOUR
CONSULT IN THE NEXT HALF-HOUR,
WE ARE OFFERING A 6-INSTALLMENT
FEE, PAYABLE OVER THE NEXT YEAR.
>> BUT DON´T TAKE IT FROM US.
LISTEN TO SOME OF OUR SATISFIED
CUSTOMERS.
>> I FELT A LOT OF SHAME WHEN MY
SIGNIFICANT OTHER TOLD ME THAT
MY VAGINA REMINDED HIM OF A
ROAST BEEF SANDWICH, BUT SINCE
MY VAGINAL UPLIFT, I FEEL MORE
ATTRACTIVE AND MORE CONFIDENT,
AND THE BONUS IS NO PESKY
INCONTINENCE WHEN I SWING THAT
GOLF CLUB. I FEEL LIKE A
20-YEAR-OLD ON THE GREEN AGAIN.
>> YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.
>> YES!
>> YEAH. THAT´S THE WAY TO GO.
HA HA! RIGHT?
>> YES!
>> IT´S A WINNER. WELL DONE.
>> OK. DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH?
DID YOU GET ALL THAT NASTY
COTTON CANDY OUT OF YOUR MOUTH,
HUH?
>> LET´S SEE. OH, MY GOODNESS,
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN CLEANER TEETH
IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
>> NO. NIGHTY-NIGHT, SWEETIE.
>> CAN WE GO TO THE ZOO NEXT
WEEK?
>> OF COURSE YOU CAN. AUNT
LIZZIE IS YOUR BUDDY, RIGHT?
>> RIGHT.
>> I LOVE YOU, AUNTIE LIZ.
>> I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART.
>> OK. YOU GO TO SLEEP. MM!
LOVE YOU. RR!
YOU SURE YOU HAVE TO LEAVE SO
SOON? I MADE YOUR
FAVORITE--MUSHROOM RISOTTO.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD--
>> I LIED ABOUT LIKING YOUR
RISOTTO. IT TASTES LIKE GRUEL.
>> OH, WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD
STAY FOR A DRINK.
>> OH!
>> OH, COME ON, LIZZIE. IT´S US.
>> DON´T YOU DARE USE THAT WORD.
>> WHY? THERE´S ALWAYS GONNA BE
AN US. IF THERE´S ONE THING I´VE
LEARNED ABOUT LIFE, IT´S THAT
IT´S FRAGILE. RELATIONSHIPS LIKE
OURS ARE RARE, WEIRD BUT RARE.
I DON´T WANT TO LOSE YOU.
NEITHER DOES WILBUR. COME ON.
LET´S TAKE THE BOXING GLOVES OFF
JUST FOR A MINUTE FOR HIS SAKE.
I GOT A 1995 CHATEAU MANDEVILLE.
>> IS IT EXPENSIVE?
>> THIS IS A $400 BOTTLE OF
WINE, SWEET THING.
>> WELL, THEN I´LL TAKE HALF OF
IT.
>> OH. THAT´S WHAT I´VE ALWAYS
LOVED ABOUT YOU.
>> IS IT? IS THAT WHAT YOU LOVED
ABOUT ME, MY SENSE OF HUMOR?
BECAUSE IT´S BEEN A LONG TIME
SINCE I LAUGHED ABOUT
ANYTHING. YOU´VE PRETTY MUCH
WRUNG ALL THE JOY OUT OF ME.
>> TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO TO MAKE
IT UP TO YOU.
>> YOU´RE GONNA MAKE IT UP TO
ME, ALL RIGHT. THAT´S WHY I
HIRED ROGER.
>> I´M NOT TALKING ABOUT MONEY.
THAT LAWYER YOU HIRED, HE´S
SCUM. YOU REALLY THINK THAT
CLEANING ME OUT IS GONNA MAKE
YOU FEEL ANY BETTER?
>> YES. I DO, AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE YOU CAN´T KEEP TREATING
PEOPLE LIKE TOILET PAPER.
YOU CAN´T KEEP WIPING YOUR ASS
WITH THEM AND FLUSHING THEM LIKE
THEY´RE DISPOSABLE. I USED TO
HAVE SUCH SCORN FOR THOSE WOMEN
WHO FELL ALL OVER YOU. I THOUGHT
THEY WERE ALL EMPTY-HEADED
BIMBOS, THE WAY THEY´D CRY OVER
YOU, BUT, YOU KNOW, I SEE THEM
DIFFERENTLY NOW BECAUSE I BECAME
ONE OF THEM, AND I AM GONNA
STAND UP ON BEHALF OF ALL OF US
BECAUSE I AM NOT GONNA LET IT BE
SO EASY FOR YOU. I AM NOT GONNA
ALLOW YOU TO BREAK MY HEART AND
THEN NOT SUFFER THE
CONSEQUENCES.
>> OH, STOP BEING SUCH A DRAMA
QUEEN. I MEAN, SERIOUS, YOUR
HEART IS GONNA BE FINE. YOUR
DANCE CARD IS GONNA BE TWICE AS
FULL NOW YOU´VE DISCOVERED THE
JOYS OF DICK. I MEAN, LET´S FACE
IT.
>> FACE WHAT?
>> FACE THE FACT THAT YOURS
TRULY HERE, OK, I FOUND YOUR
G-SPOT.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING
WITH IT?
>> I´M WASTING YOUR MONEY,
CHRISTIAN. AND TO THINK I WAS
SUCH AN IDIOT THAT I FELT BAD
COMING OVER HERE, WRINGING YOU
DRY.
>> LIZZIE, COME ON. JUST CALM
DOWN.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT´LL CALM ME
DOWN? A BOAT, YOURS.
>> DON´T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT
IT.
>> OH, YOU CAN KISS THAT
GOOD-BYE, AND WHEN YOU´RE
SITTING HERE AND YOU´RE CUTTING
OUT YOUR LITTLE COUPONS, I WANT
YOU TO THINK OF ME PARTYING ON
MY HOT, FLOATING DYKE BAR--
THE LESBOAT.
[SLAM]
>> ONCE WE SAW YOUR INFOMERCIAL
ON TV, WE HAD TO COME IN.
>> YEAH. MRS. HOBERMAN, TELL ME
WHAT YOU DON´T LIKE ABOUT YOUR
VAGINA.
>> HER VAGINA IS FINE.
>> IT´S BETTER THAN THAT. WE´RE
HERE FOR DON.
>> YEAH. I WANT ONE OF THOSE
6-PACK SURGERIES.
>> WELL, THE SURGICAL TERM IS
ABDOMINAL ETCHING, BUT--
>> OUR INFOMERCIAL WAS ABOUT
VAGINAL REJUVENATION.
>> NO. I KNOW, BUT YOU KNOW THE
SCENE WHERE YOU´RE PLAYING
VOLLEYBALL WITH THE OTHER GUY,
DR. HAMOUI? YEAH. WELL, SEEING
YOU TWO WITH YOUR SHIRTS OFF
NEXT TO HIM MADE ME REALIZE HOW
MUCH I LET MYSELF GO.
[ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC SPEEDS UP]
[MUSIC STOPS]
>> HA HA! THAT WAS FUNNY.
HA HA HA!
>> HEY, MOVE. GET OUT OF THE
WAY. UGH!
>> OH! JEEZ! HEY, WATCH IT.
>> WHAT?
>> I´M CHANGING LOCKS BY
TOMORROW, RIGHT? YOU EITHER PAY
YOUR SHARE OF THE RENT BY
SUNDOWN, OR YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE
BEACH WITH ALL THE OTHER FREAKS.
IT´S $1.08.
[BEEPING]
NO MONEY, NO COFFEE. THIS AIN´T
A CHARITY. YOU CAN´T PAY, GO
SOMEPLACE ELSE. LEAVE BEFORE I
CALL A COP. LET GO, YOU FREAK.
[GASPS]
NOW YOU´RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT.
[BEEP]
GREAT. OH...
[GASPS]
[BEEPING]
OK, OK. YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DOLLAR
BACK, OK? OK, OK.
OK. HERE.
[GASPS]
[DING]
>> DR. TROY, YOU DO REALIZE THAT
YOUR BEING HERE PLACES ME IN
VIOLATION OF THE LEGAL CODE OF
PROFESSIONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
>> YOU RECOGNIZE MY COLOGNE.
JUST GIVE ME 5 MINUTES OF YOUR
TIME, AND IF YOU DON´T LIKE MY
PROPOSITION, YOU NEVER SAW ME.
>> OHH...ALL RIGHT.
YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES.
>> I´LL GIVE YOU 250 GRAND NOW
AND ANOTHER 250 IF YOU CONVINCE
LIZ CRUZ TO DROP THE CASE.
>> DR. TROY, THIS IS A BREACH OF
ETHICS. IT IS AGAINST EVERYTHING
THAT I STAND FOR. BESIDES, IT
WOULD TAKE MORE THAN A TAWDRY
BRIBE TO GET ME TO JEOPARDIZE A
LIFETIME OF LEGAL PRACTICE.
>> HOW MUCH, THEN?
>> TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> MY SECRETARY TELLS ME YOU´RE
AN ADONIS. I´D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT
AN ADONIS SOUNDS LIKE WHEN HE
JERKS OFF.
>> I´M SORRY. WHAT?
>> MASTURBATE. PLEASURE YOURSELF
IN FRONT OF ME, DESCRIBING TO ME
EXACTLY WHAT YOU´RE DOING STROKE
BY STROKE. ONCE YOU BRING
YOURSELF TO CLIMAX, I WILL
ACCEPT YOUR OFFER, AND I WILL
CONVINCE MRS. TROY THAT WE
CANNOT WIN THE CASE.
>> GEE, WHAT ABOUT YOUR ETHICS
CODE?
>> I DON´T THINK THAT THIS IS
COVERED IN THE ABA HANDBOOK.
BESIDES, I CAN ALWAYS CLAIM THAT
I NEVER SAW YOU.
>> SO, YOU´RE A PERVERT.
>> DR. TROY, YOUR PROPOSITION
REQUIRES THAT I COMPROMISE
MYSELF ON YOUR BEHALF.
THIS IS SIMPLY QUID PRO QUO.
YOUR 5 MINUTES ARE UP.
>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. NO, NO.
WAIT. JUST, UH--OK.
AHEM...
[ZIP]
OH...THERE. PANTS ARE OFF.
>> LAIR.
>> HMM?
>> DON´T WORRY. NO ONE CAN SEE
THROUGH THE WINDOWS.
>> WHATEVER.
[ZIP]
AHH...
>> THAT´S BETTER. TOUCH YOUR
DICK, DR. TROY, AND DESCRIBE IT
TO ME.
>> FEELS GREAT. IT´S VERY HARD.
>> WE´RE NOT IN A COURTROOM NOW,
DR. TROY. I WANT MORE THAN JUST
THE FACTS. PAINT ME A PICTURE,
HOW YOUR HAND FEELS AS YOU TOUCH
IT. TAKE OFF YOUR BRIEFS.
LET YOURSELF BREATHE.
>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I´LL SEE YOU IN COURT.
>> GOOD LUCK. YOU KNOW, I DID
LOSE A CASE ONCE...
>> YEAH.
>> BUT UNLIKE YOU, I WASN´T ABLE
TO MAKE HIM TAKE HIS PANTS OFF.
THAT´S WHEN I KNEW HE HAD ME.
[CHUCKLES]
[SLAM]
[GURGLING]
>> LET´S LOOK AT THE BRIGHT
SIDE, PARTNER. AT LEAST MR.
HOBERMAN´S 6-PACK WILL BRING IN
SOME INCOME.
>> AND MAYBE CHRISTIAN CAN TAKE
HIS SHARE AND GET A GYM
MEMBERSHIP. YOU GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GUT THERE,
TUBBY.
>> LIZ, THAT´S ENOUGH.
>> I KNOW, AND ISN´T IT GREAT?
BECAUSE I CAN SAY WHATEVER I
WANT TO, AND HE CAN´T FIRE ME.
>> YOU KNOW, SEAN, I´M THINKING
WE´RE DONE WITH HOBERMAN HERE.
WE SHOULD TURN OUR FAT-SUCKING
WAND ONTO LIZ´S HUGE ASS.
>> ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH! HAS IT
OCCURRED TO EITHER OF YOU THE
EFFECT YOU´RE HAVING ON
SWITZERLAND HERE? I STAY UP LATE
NIGHTS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A
WAY TO HELP YOU TWO MAKE AMENDS.
DEAL WITH YOUR HURT FEELINGS AND
GROW UP. I´M SICK OF THIS SHIT.
>> OK. I AM SO SORRY, SEAN, BUT
FROM A MEDICAL VIEWPOINT, THIS
LOOKS MORE LIKE LUMPY OATMEAL
THAN IT DOES A BODY BY JAKE.
DR. HAMOUI, COULD YOU COME HERE
AND HELP OUT SEAN AND CHRISTIAN,
PLEASE?
>> SURE. HEY, YOU GUYS GOT A
PATIENT OF YOUR OWN. THAT´S
AWESOME. HOW MAY I BE OF
SERVICE?
>> COULD YOU PLEASE JUST LIFT UP
YOUR SHIRT AND SHOW THEM WHAT
THE END RESULT IS SUPPOSED TO
LOOK LIKE?
>> OH.
>> THANK YOU.
>> IT WAS IN THAT MOMENT THAT
SEAN AND CHRISTIAN REALIZED THEY
HAD LOST THE GREATEST LUXURY OF
THEM ALL, SOMETHING MORE
IMPORTANT TO THEM THAN
MONEY--THEIR YOUTH.
>> GIVE ME A 20 BLADE.
>> WHAT FOR?
>> I WANT TO CUT LIZ´S TONGUE
OUT.
>> OK. HERE IT IS--AUNT DOTTIE´S
FAMOUS GARBAGE SALAD.
>> I HOPE AUNT DOTTIE´S GARBAGE
DIDN´T INCLUDE COFFEE GROUNDS
AND SOUR MILK.
>> NO. GARBAGE SALAD IS WHATEVER
IS STILL GOOD IN YOUR FRIDGE
PLUS FRESH LETTUCE, HARD-BOILED
EGG, AND A SPECIAL LEMONADE
DRESSING.
>> MM, THIS IS REALLY GOOD.
I´M NOT KIDDING. IT´S AS GOOD AS
A $50 LOBSTER IN MY BOOK.
>> I DON´T KNOW WHAT I WAS
THINKING, ALL MY OBSESSING ON
EXPENSIVE RESORTS AND HONEYMOON
SUITES. I WOULD RATHER BE HERE
EATING GARBAGE SALAD WITH YOU ON
YOUR BALCONY THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUT
CHRISTIAN, HIS LITTLE LEGAL
NIGHTMARE WITH LIZ, AND I DON´T
MEAN TO GET AHEAD OF ANYTHING,
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I WOULD
SIGN A PRENUP. I DON´T WANT YOUR
MONEY. I JUST WANT YOU.
>> WELL, I WOULD NEVER ASK THAT
OF YOU. HEY, WE´RE IN THIS FOR
LOVE, YOU AND ME. CHRISTIAN AND
LIZ HAD SOME UNUSUAL ISSUES
GOING INTO THEIR MARRIAGE.
>> COULD YOU SEE US SPENDING OUR
LIVES TOGETHER?
>> I COULD.
>> SEAN McNAMARA, WILL YOU MARRY
ME?
>> YES. I WILL.
>> WHILE SOME MORE OPTIMISTIC
ANALYSTS PREDICT THAT THE
DOWNTURN IS FINALLY ENDING, THIS
FINANCIAL VOICE OF AUTHORITY
BELIEVES IT WILL BE A LONG TIME
BEFORE AMERICANS CAN SLEEP
SOUNDLY AGAIN.
[ZAP]
[WATER RUNS]
>> DR. McNAMARA, I KNOW WHAT I
WANT FOR BREAKFAST.
SEAN? SEAN?
SEAN? SEAN, WAKE UP.
SEAN, WAKE UP, SEAN. OK.
CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAN!
CHRISTIAN, GET UP! CHRISTIAN!